You’ve got the curtains, the projector screen, the seats… yet it’s
not quite the same as a night out at the movies. Your home theater is better than going out to see a movie, sure, but is it an accurate reproduction of the genuine moviegoing experience? Well, having worked in a movie theater for years, I’ve come up with the following list of ideas to help you get the true multiplex experience in the comfort of your own home:

10. Turn on the hallway lights, and
prop open the door to the home theater room.

 

9. Tune a radio to the most annoying
talk radio station you can find. Use it to prop open the aforementioned
door.

 

8. Invite a friend over to watch the
movie with, and tell him the radio in step 9 is an advanced new radio
that actually turns itself off if shushed at loudly, pointedly, and
frequently.

 

7. Leave your soda, candy, and some
wadded-up tissues in the cupholders after the movie. If you can still
conceivably fit an actual cup in there, add more
tissues.

 

6. Drizzle a fine squiggle of maple
syrup on the floor, and sprinkle lightly with a garnish of stale popcorn. Don’t
worry about attracting bugs; realism is the goal here,
people!

 

5. Set your ringtone to “My Humps,”
order a wakeup call for twenty minutes from now, gently toss your phone over
your shoulder, and let the movie magic begin.

 

4. Buy the brightest emergency exit
sign you can. Two or three, if possible. As a bonus, this might also help you
find your phone in the dark after following step 5. Let’s be honest, there’s
only so much My Humps a person can take.

 

3. Don’t waste water cleaning those
old gym socks. Wedge ’em between the seats, right next to your head. Save the
environment and smell the ambiance!

 

2. Watching a noisy horror flick?
Babies love those. Give mom the night off!


And finally,
 

1. Four words: Fart in a Can.